This season has been incredibly tedious on my mind. I have found myself grappling with so many thoughts, so many ideas and opinions that there have been moments where I have chosen to ignore things just so I don’t feel the weight of them. I am ashamed to say that, truly, because something I have realized as I have made myself think about it all is that as a Christian, someone who loves and follows God, I cannot be apathetic. This past week I have had more deep and intimate conversations than I have had since my YWAM days. It was equally refreshing and challenging. These issues that are splayed out in front of us right now are not small or stupid, they are MASSIVELY important. For both sides of the spectrum. There are things that I have felt that directly oppose the beliefs of those I love dearly, and there are some things that I haven’t decided on yet and that’s okay, as long as I am taking the time to really figure it out. So that is what I want to write about tonight, because at the end of the day this is what motivates me most, in what kind of world do I want my babies to grow up in and what am I doing to help that happen.
As I have reevaluated my personal theology, looking over scripture and reminding myself of the words of Christ, I have found myself both conflicted and also challenged. I am not conflicted because I don’t agree with those words necessarily, but I am conflicted because there are some things that I truly and fundamentally believe about the state of our world that don’t line up with those I am close with. There is pain in knowing that when you speak your heart you may hurt someone, but as a follower of Christ I am constantly reminded that I was not called to an easy life but a challenging one, I am ready for that.
The biggest and honestly most important thing I want to say is I am sorry to those who have been marginalized, deeply hurt and called horrendous things by those who profess to be Jesus followers. I have never been more moved to anger as when I have watched people sling hurtful and piercing words at an entire group of people without taking the time to step outside of themselves to understand what they are feeling. Some of my peers may throw out the argument that this specific group (people of color, the LGBTQ community, women, etc.) have done awful things in return or said hurtful things in response, but all I have to say to that is Jesus endured FAR WORSE than any of that and yet he chose to love in the midst of it. He looked at his neighbor on the cross and he brought him peace even as he was dying a horribly humiliating death. He chose LOVE in his darkest moment on earth, what is our excuse? We don’t have one. As I have grappled with this, literally night after night battling in my own head, I have come back to that word over and over. Love. Jesus was love exemplified, yes he challenged and he taught but he always came back to love and acceptance.
My current political stance means nothing, truly. I don’t feel like either candidate was a great representation of either party and I don’t put my faith in them anyways, I put my faith in God alone. He is the one that orchestrates, and I can’t fathom why we are where we are, but I pray and hope that it only does amazing things to draw this nation together again. I pray that there is healing done in the midst of this chaos, and that as we see people march because they don’t feel heard or understood, we don’t throw stones but we open our arms and love them in their brokenness. That is what Jesus would have done, and that is what I plan to do. There are things I will stand firmly in and I won’t shake when asked about them, and I hope that as I share candidly with anyone who asks that they hear me with open ears and arms just as I would absolutely love to do for them. I am not here to judge or discriminate, I am human though and I don’t always do this perfectly but please know that I am trying.
I am trying so hard to speak truthfully and candidly. I am trying to be a reflection of what I have learned as I have read scripture, to not only myself but also to my son, and soon my daughter. I want my babies to grow up in a world where they walk with humility and understanding, knowing that they have a life that is much more privileged than many and that they probably won’t feel the suffering that many have felt before them. I want them to see not only the hurts of this nation, but the globe and to be ones who walk towards progress and not away from it. I also want them to be passionate about life, and not just for those who are already living but for those who are not yet born.
This is where I stand as of now and I know I am still learning. I hope to be someone who does not shy away from the tough conversations but embraces them and learns from them. I want to be a mother and a leader, I want to be a true follower of Christ and someone who loves deeply and unconditionally. That’s where I am and I just felt to share that. This isn’t directed at anyone specifically, but as this week has progressed I have felt more and more that if I didn’t share I would be doing myself a disservice more than anything. Thanks for reading friend, I pray that I continue to love deeply as Jesus did, with no perimeters or stipulations attached. Please keep me accountable to this.