Motherhood, sometimes it feels like you are the one responsible to do just about everything. Not just mothering. It’s a weird concept that you go from being pretty independent of yourself, able to leave and go wherever you wanted, stay up and out as often as you liked, but in a split second your world is transformed into a tornado of baby, diapers, housework and cartoons. You are now not only responsible for keeping yourself in good working order, but also your whole household. Something I have struggled with is the aspect of stay at home motherhood in comparison to my husband and his job. There is so much, mentally and emotionally, that I have been through to grasp the concept that I am NOT second best because I don’t bring any kind of financial contribution to the table. I am now aware that I do A LOT. Like, way more than I ever thought I was capable of. It isn’t always verbalized but it is definitely always felt by those around me. I do the dishes, I cook nearly every meal (a recent resolution that I have tried my hardest to stick to), I tidy the rooms as Sailor whirls through them and pulls things off shelves and out of baskets, I make sure the bills are paid and there are groceries in the fridge. I write reminders and try my hardest to still be a sweet and loving wife, but if I am being completely genuine with all of you, I don’t always feel like it.
At this moment in my life I have made the decision, with an 11 month old, to continue to pursue my bachelors degree online. I feel strongly that I want to contribute in more than just housework and breastfeeding, but by having a skill that I spent countless hours studying to learn and worked hard to achieve. I also have felt like the timing was right with Chris’s new schedule from work that I could go out and try to find a part time job. I put my resume in at a couple places and I am praying it works out, because you know something, I am absolutely able to do it all. For so many years I believed the lie that there are only a few things you can be truly good at but motherhood transformed me. It has taken nearly 11 months of being a momma to realize that the act of mothering a child is the most all-consuming and magnificent thing I will ever do. Motherhood is the thing that shows us as woman that we are ABLE, there are many other things as well, please don’t hear me wrong, but truly when you become the thing that keeps another human alive you realize that it really isn’t a joke. It should not be a season we walk into and lose ourselves in, no, we should walk into it and FIND ourselves! Take a step back mentally and think of all the things you have done as a mother today, okay, now yesterday, and the day before… do you see?! You have done SO much! It may not always be verbalized to you but know, from me to you, YOU ARE INCREDIBLE. And to all you mommas out there who work outside of your home, serious props to you. That is freaking hard. No jokes about it. You are so strong and amazing and I am inspired by you, truly.
This post seems slightly disjointed to me, but really it was born out of a thought I had yesterday afternoon as Sailor was screaming, something that had been going on for a solid hour. He had a diaper rash that was obviously really painful, I’m thinking from a certain new food he tried this week, as well he is cutting two new teeth. I tried to nurse him, which we are slowly weaning out of and so it wasn’t really successful, I tried to let him air out and hang out diaper-less for awhile, I tried a lavender bath and NOTHING helped. He was a sad and hurting little boy and nothing I did was helping, but as I was holding him I took a moment to turn on some comforting music (because my boy loves music) and I rocked him in his towel in the bathroom and he nestled into my chest and relaxed. His little fingers plucked my hair and he gulped some air after crying so hard and he relaxed. I sat there and stared at him and realized, I did that. I made this little boy, I birthed him, and I am his mother. There are things that only I can do and I need to be proud of that. If being a mom means doing it all than sign me up a million times over, because NOTHING will ever replace those moments, and they never should.