Where I Stand.

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This season has been incredibly tedious on my mind. I have found  myself grappling with so many thoughts, so many ideas and opinions that there have been moments where I have chosen to ignore things just so I don’t feel the weight of them. I am ashamed to say that, truly, because something I have realized as I have made myself think about it all is that as a Christian, someone who loves and follows God, I cannot be apathetic. This past week I have had more deep and intimate conversations than I have had since my YWAM days. It was equally refreshing and challenging. These issues that are splayed out in front of us right now are not small or stupid, they are MASSIVELY important. For both sides of the spectrum. There are things that I have felt that directly oppose the beliefs of those I love dearly, and there are some things that I haven’t decided on yet and that’s okay, as long as I am taking the time to really figure it out. So that is what I want to write about tonight, because at the end of the day this is what motivates me most, in what kind of world do I want my babies to grow up in and what am I doing to help that happen.

As I have reevaluated my personal theology, looking over scripture and reminding myself of the words of Christ, I have found myself both conflicted and also challenged. I am not conflicted because I don’t agree with those words necessarily, but I am conflicted because there are some things that I truly and fundamentally believe about the state of our world that don’t line up with those I am close with. There is pain in knowing that when you speak your heart you may hurt someone, but as a follower of Christ I am constantly reminded that I was not called to an easy life but a challenging one, I am ready for that.

The biggest and honestly most important thing I want to say is I am sorry to those who have been marginalized, deeply hurt and called horrendous things by those who profess to be Jesus followers. I have never been more moved to anger as when I have watched people sling hurtful and piercing words at an entire group of people without taking the time to step outside of themselves to understand what they are feeling. Some of my peers may throw out the argument that this specific group (people of color, the LGBTQ community, women, etc.) have done awful things in return or said hurtful things in response, but all I have to say to that is Jesus endured FAR WORSE than any of that and yet he chose to love in the midst of it. He looked at his neighbor on the cross and he brought him peace even as he was dying a horribly humiliating death. He chose LOVE in his darkest moment on earth, what is our excuse? We don’t have one. As I have grappled with this, literally night after night battling in my own head, I have come back to that word over and over. Love. Jesus was love exemplified, yes he challenged and he taught but he always came back to love and acceptance.

My current political stance means nothing, truly. I don’t feel like either candidate was a great representation of either party and I don’t put my faith in them anyways, I put my faith in God alone. He is the one that orchestrates, and I can’t fathom why we are where we are, but I pray and hope that it only does amazing things to draw this nation together again. I pray that there is healing done in the midst of this chaos, and that as we see people march because they don’t feel heard or understood, we don’t throw stones but we open our arms and love them in their brokenness. That is what Jesus would have done, and that is what I plan to do. There are things I will stand firmly in and I won’t shake when asked about them, and I hope that as I share candidly with anyone who asks that they hear me with open ears and arms just as I would absolutely love to do for them. I am not here to judge or discriminate, I am human though and I don’t always do this perfectly but please know that I am trying.

I am trying so hard to speak truthfully and candidly. I am trying to be a reflection of what I have learned as I have read scripture, to not only myself but also to my son, and soon my daughter. I want my babies to grow up in a world where they walk with humility and understanding, knowing that they have a life that is much more privileged than many and that they probably won’t feel the suffering that many have felt before them. I want them to see not only the hurts of this nation, but the globe and to be ones who walk towards progress and not away from it. I also want them to be passionate about  life, and not just for those who are already living but for those who are not yet born.

This is where I stand as of now and I know I am still learning. I hope to be someone who does not shy away from the tough conversations but embraces them and learns from them. I want to be a mother and a leader, I want to be a true follower of Christ and someone who loves deeply and unconditionally. That’s where I am and I just felt to share that. This isn’t directed at anyone specifically, but as this week has progressed I have felt more and more that if I didn’t share I would be doing myself a disservice more than anything. Thanks for reading friend, I pray that I continue to love deeply as Jesus did, with no perimeters or stipulations attached. Please keep me accountable to this.

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New Year, New Things.

This past year has been a whirlwind. Moving, new jobs, a baby becoming a toddler and all sorts of new financial and adult things coming into our lives. It was beyond challenging and I know we did not walk through it gracefully. Actually coming to the end of the year I don’t really feel so accomplished as much as I feel relieved it’s over. Our holiday season was such a blessing, and having Sailor grow into the sweet boy he is is the most amazing thing, but on so many occasions I feel like I have fallen short.

I know that most people feel this way, it’s a pretty common emotion to feel, but honestly these past few months have left me empty and uninspired. I recently decided to try a new thing and invested into essential oils, it’s something I had always wanted to do for my family and felt that we were in a place to finally jump into it and I was SO excited at the beginning. But then, life happened. Work, babies, stress, Christmas, NO TIME. All of these things have piled against me. I felt completely incapable, totally useless. It was something I didn’t assume would come easily but I definitely didn’t think it would be so gosh darn hard. My heart right now is to be an asset to my family. Not just a wife and a mother, but also a provider and a helper. I don’t want my husband to carry the weight of being the main provider, I want to help ease that burden. Maybe take care of a couple bills every month and give us the space and freedom to start saving for bigger and better things for our family. I SO desire this. So much that sometimes late at night, after Chris goes to work and Sailor is asleep, I get incredibly overwhelmed. I find myself either in tears or in bed, totally unable to overcome this feeling of defeat and uselessness. It’s a heavy burden I have been carrying for a long time that this year I refuse to hold the weight of it anymore.

I don’t consider myself a resolution type of person, but I would like to be. Just like I don’t see myself as a minimalist, I so desire to be. This has been my greatest revelation in this season, in short and not as frequent as I would want them to be moments of reflection I have found myself really overcome with the understanding that God’s desire is for us to be content with the little and not the much. We need to focus on the important and the crucial. Things like our family and our home. For Chris and me it has been all about focusing on our marriage, bringing that to where it needs to be. Pursuing each other, loving each other, being in tune with each others needs and learning how to pick up each others “messes” every now and again. More often then not those messes are mine and because of the lack of true and meaningful love being given on either side it has not been an easy thing to give grace when it is much needed. My heart for this next year is to fall more and more in love with my husband, being an example of selfless love to our children. I want to be a wife that serves with a joyful heart, who doesn’t feel burdened by the day to day because I know I have a helper to walk along side me. This is where it all starts for us this year, it seems simple but it is truly going to be a season of active pursuit and I am so looking forward to it.

This year also brings big big changes for our family. We move into our new place starting this weekend and in late April we will be welcoming our second little baby into the family. These are large things that I tend to forget in the midst of life’s craziness, but this year I want to try my hardest to wrap myself up in the important things instead of the useless things. This year is for new things, new attitudes and new motivations. I want to be content because I want my children to grow up in a house that shows and speaks of contentment. I want my husband and I to be stable, not just in finances, but also in our marriage so we can stand firm in each other as we walk through each season as it comes. I want my walk with God to be firm and unchanging, because at the base of everything is that perfect relationship and the longer I put off spending time with him the longer I will flounder without his help and guidance.

Things are going to be hard, they are going to hurt sometimes and there will be some difficult adjustments but I already know that this is going to be an amazing year. Why else would be put together lists and goals if we didn’t hope and expect the best for the next 12 months? So here we go, on to new and great things, all of us. No matter where you are in life, single, married, in the midst of parenthood, you are able to do the hard things. You are capable of new and greater things! Don’t stop setting goals and making resolutions because we all need to start somewhere. I am excited and full of anticipation for what it will all look like, that is what drives me to be better, to try harder and to not give up when things get difficult.

A new year, full of brand new things, and I am so so ready for it. Are you?

The suckiness of life and the joy of new tomorrows.

Life lately has been weird. Stuff happened, new things came about, transition was very very present and it wasn’t all easy. I’ve struggled and pushed forward and I’ve cried, a lot. There was a lot of questioning of myself and wondering about what tomorrow was going to look like if the night felt that awful. I tried really hard to be better for my husband and my son, but not always were my efforts seen or felt because they were not genuine, the hurt was still very present. I sat back and didn’t say a word for a season, it was so freaking hard. I am a natural verbal processor, I don’t love the emotions I feel but oh my word is it the biggest weight off my chest when I am able to speak them aloud to someone who is really wanting to hear them. I’ve pursued people who want to listen to all of my crazy nonsensical thoughts, which they all aren’t just that but that’s a part of my growth process as well, and I have been so lucky to find people who are excited and happy to walk alongside me. Truly my issues are so small, especially as I read about so many people all over the world who are hurting for a myriad of reasons that I will never understand, but they feel real and big and painful none the less.

They are things that suck, honestly. That word is so accurate it’s shocking when I sit and look at it for long enough. The stuff that goes on in our lives becomes all consuming in the snap of your fingers. It’s all you think about, it’s all you feel and no matter how hard you try to tell yourself “you are fine” or “your are bigger than this” it still freaking hurts. It literally sucks you in and tries hard to never let go of you. I was in that season, and still am partially, before I finally had a revelation of who I am and always have been. I know me, I’m a genuinely caring person. I’m fiercely loyal, sometimes to a fault, and I have a hard time knowing that I am not liked. I dealt with this many times in high school, feeling abandoned, and letting it consume me, but thank the Lord that now I have the maturity to walk through it a tad more gracefully than in years past. It was the great myth of adulthood that you no longer have to deal with heartache that way, I bought it hook line and sinker. But here is the lovely thing about adulthood, if not the loveliest thing about it, you are able and capable of changing things for yourself. When you were in high school the thought of getting in your car in the morning and driving to that place where all the people knew about your breaking heart (I went to a school of 200) was the absolute worst thing ever. It became your personal “prison” of never ending emotion and hurt, hi senior year, you couldn’t willingly leave it because you were still a child. Fast forward to now, where those things STILL happen, I know, it’s the worst, but you hold your life in your own hands. You can actually get in your car and drive away, walk away, do whatever you need to clear your head and figure life out, ya know?

Life sucks sometimes, yes, but guess what? There is always tomorrow, and the possibility of new joys and possibilities. A few years ago I got the quote “I go to seek a great perhaps” tattooed to my arm. It’s been a personal mantra of mine for a long long time and getting it permanently inked felt so right, it was meant to be my personal reminder to always seek the perhaps of the day, the great maybe that comes with the morning. For a while, when my husband and I travelled and didn’t have a baby, it was so easy to do that. To get up and decide to drive to Portland for a weekend, or to spend 6 months living in Cambodia, but now, those things start to feel impossible. You begin to feel trapped by your own life, you forget about the perhaps and start thinking about the actualities that life will inevitably bring. You don’t allow for yourself to dream, especially when you are going through something that is in a way sucking the life out of you. We allow ourselves to become our problems instead of seeking the newness in the day. It’s cheesy and endlessly full of cliche’s and wall poster quotes, but truthfully the new day is beautiful and full of possibilities.

It continues to be my biggest takeaway at the end of everything, because I do see the end, you get to choose how your day goes. You get to choose the people you fill it with and the attitude you attack it with. I have to talk to new people every single day at my job and I can be the joy in that persons day, it’s my choice. Even if it’s for a few minutes I would rather be a positive influence than a negative one, and in the long run I know that is who I am at the root of it all. I am a naturally loving and inclusive person. I will invite everyone I see to dinner on any random night because I just love spending time with people, yes I love my solitude, but if I could choose, every night would have a friend in it (my amazing husband included). I don’t want to stifle that side of myself, I don’t want to let the world and all it has to say about how I need to handle life’s situations tell me how I am supposed to do anything.  I was created a certain way, I was meant to be the way I am, yes I have flaws and things to work on but at the foundation I am who I am. I won’t apologize for that, and neither should you. Because we all go through this, life’s suckiness. We all deal with heartache in a varying amount of ways and you can hurt because it’s painful, but don’t ever allow yourself to forget that tomorrow is new and the possibilities are endless.

I usually only write to mom’s, I don’t think it’s an exclusivity thing as much as it is a relevance thing. My life is currently consumed with motherhood, having a 13 month old and being pregnant with our second, so my thoughts become geared towards situations I am going through personally (go figure). So I decided to step out of my comfort zone and share something that if I linger on for too long hurts a little, because we all go through these seasons of tough transitions and change. We shouldn’t have to sit in it alone, but we should be able to share openly and smartly, may I add, about what we are going though. Releasing those things into the air, onto our computers, on a piece of paper with a pen or a paint brush, all of these things are perfect avenues of sharing your hurts, your heart and your struggles. Even though this specific struggle of mine doesn’t specifically pertain to motherhood I know that so many of us, mothers included (maybe even especially), deal with this issue of feeling alone on a regular basis. Motherhood brings it about in an obvious way of being preoccupied and maybe too much work for some to handle, but being a single person out in the world brings so many hurts and heartaches of its own. I want anyone who reads this to know that you aren’t alone in feeling alone, this was a huge revelation for myself and it felt AMAZING to finally speak those words out loud when I was processing these past few months. It was important for me to realize and hold fast to the fact that I am a valued and important person, no matter how a situation may make you feel (and the same goes for you).

Seek the great perhaps, because there will be a season were you have to be your own joy for a second, don’t wallow in the sadness or hurt of it but pick yourself up and little by little put yourself back together. Be introspective, search your heart, find something you truly love and do it. Take time for yourself and watch as you begin to value yourself again, and you will heal. I promise. It’s not easy or painless but it’s necessary. Life truly sucks sometimes, trust me, but the joy that comes with the new day is enough to hold onto even in your darkest moments. From me to you, remember you are special and one of a kind, your emotions are real and you are allowed to feel them and don’t ever forget that the great perhaps is worth exploring.

Doing it All.

Motherhood, sometimes it feels like you are the one responsible to do just about everything. Not just mothering. It’s a weird concept that you go from being pretty independent of yourself, able to leave and go wherever you wanted, stay up and out as often as you liked, but in a split second your world is transformed into a tornado of baby, diapers, housework and cartoons. You are now not only responsible for keeping yourself in good working order, but also your whole household. Something I have struggled with is the aspect of stay at home motherhood in comparison to my husband and his job. There is so much, mentally and emotionally, that I have been through to grasp the concept that I am NOT second best because I don’t bring any kind of financial contribution to the table. I am now aware that I do A LOT. Like, way more than I ever thought I was capable of. It isn’t always verbalized but it is definitely always felt by those around me. I do the dishes, I cook nearly every meal (a recent resolution that I have tried my hardest to stick to), I tidy the rooms as Sailor whirls through them and pulls things off shelves and out of baskets, I make sure the bills are paid and there are groceries in the fridge. I write reminders and try my hardest to still be a sweet and loving wife, but if I am being completely genuine with all of you, I don’t always feel like it.

At this moment in my life I have made the decision, with an 11 month old, to continue to pursue my bachelors degree online. I feel strongly that I want to contribute in more than just housework and breastfeeding, but by having a skill that I spent countless hours studying to learn and worked hard to achieve. I also have felt like the timing was right with Chris’s new schedule from work that I could go out and try to find a part time job. I put my resume in at a couple places and I am praying it works out, because you know something, I am absolutely able to do it all. For so many years I believed the lie that there are only a few things you can be truly good at but motherhood transformed me. It has taken nearly 11 months of being a momma to realize that the act of mothering a child is the most all-consuming and magnificent thing I will ever do. Motherhood is the thing that shows us as woman that we are ABLE, there are many other things as well, please don’t hear me wrong, but truly when you become the thing that keeps another human alive you realize that it really isn’t a joke. It should not be a season we walk into and lose ourselves in, no, we should walk into it and FIND ourselves! Take a step back mentally and think of all the things you have done as a mother today, okay, now yesterday, and the day before… do you see?! You have done SO much! It may not always be verbalized to you but know, from me to you, YOU ARE INCREDIBLE. And to all you mommas out there who work outside of your home, serious props to you. That is freaking hard. No jokes about it. You are so strong and amazing and I am inspired by you, truly.

This post seems slightly disjointed to me, but really it was born out of a thought I had yesterday afternoon as Sailor was screaming, something that had been going on for a solid hour. He had a diaper rash that was obviously really painful, I’m thinking from a certain new food he tried this week, as well he is cutting two new teeth. I tried to nurse him, which we are slowly weaning out of and so it wasn’t really successful, I tried to let him air out and hang out diaper-less for awhile, I tried a lavender bath and NOTHING helped. He was a sad and hurting little boy and nothing I did was helping, but as I was holding him I took a moment to turn on some comforting music (because my boy loves music) and I rocked him in his towel in the bathroom and he nestled into my chest and relaxed. His little fingers plucked my hair and he gulped some air after crying so hard and he relaxed. I sat there and stared at him and realized, I did that. I made this little boy, I birthed him, and I am his mother. There are things that only I can do and I need to be proud of that. If being a mom means doing it all than sign me up a million times over, because NOTHING will ever replace those moments, and they never should.

Finding “You”.

So becoming a mom has been massively transforming. Like in all areas. There have been massive physical changes on top of a plethora of mental and emotional changes as well. My days are no longer my own and my plans are no longer simple, it’s exhausting and rewarding. It’s amazing and awful. It sounds harsh but there are days where nothing feels right or normal anymore. You feel out of control and incapable. It’s more than tough, sometimes it feels impossible, and in the midst of it all we are expected to find ourselves. We are pressured to become “moon goddesses” or “mom bosses”. We are supposed to fully embrace this new mother person we have become after one of the most physically traumatizing moments of our lives, which is a pretty incredibly metaphor honestly. That moment of birth is the beginning of so many things as a mother. It is the beginning of your new body, your new mental capacity, your new and all-encompassing role of “Mom” to this little person. You aren’t fully yours anymore and that can be incredibly terrifying, at least it has been for me.

Sailor turned 9 months old the other week. A whole 9 months outside of the womb, just as long as he sat cozy in there cooking away. He has become his own person, he is discovering his voice, his legs, his hands, and everything else he can grab/touch/see. He is amazing and wonderful. Through his little eyes I had this realization that in the midst of him blossoming into his own little person, I have slowly been losing myself. I have become the slightly fluffy, perpetually exhausted, incredibly emotional woman, who maybe resembles who I was before in some ways but has completely forgotten who I am at the root of it all. I struggled with the concept of choosing things for myself, feeling some weird sort of guilt when I chose to do something for me instead of Sailor. When I first fed Sailor a bottle of formula it came after 3 days of my milk not coming in and him literally not getting any sustenance post-birth. He wouldn’t latch and nurse and I would just shake it off like it was normal, not wanting to become that emotionally charged mom that worried about every little thing. Then came his first well check-up, where he weighed almost 2 pounds lighter than he did at birth, and oh my word the guilt I felt. It was gut-wrenching and overwhelming. They told me to go back to the hospital to make sure he wasn’t jaundiced, they pricked his poor feet over and over again trying to draw enough blood but were struggling because he was so dehydrated. I could hardly handle it and yes I cried, A LOT. They told me to start supplementing his feedings with 2oz. of formula for at least 2 weeks and just like that my dreams of being that “crunchy” momma with her exclusively breastfed baby were thrown out the window.

If I’m being completely honest, that’s when I started to lose myself in motherhood. It’s when I pushed myself to breastfeed Sailor as often as he wanted, even if it meant waking up every 2 hours all night long for 7 months. It’s what made me hyper aware of every cry, and it’s what gave me “permission” to pick him up all day, everyday whenever he crawled over to me. It’s what consumed me in the day to day of child rearing and I became the frazzled sort of person I am today. Only recently have I realized how backward it all is. No, I’m not saying that ignoring your children or not trying to give them the best you can is bad, at all. I’m saying letting it consume you as a person, allowing for yourself to fall head first into a whirlpool of “baby” is not okay. In order to be good mothers, we need to know who we are outside of motherhood. We need to have loves and passions and dreams, or else how will we teach our children to do all of those things? I want Sailor to grow up with a mother who is loving and caring, but also strong and motivated. I want to show him it is possible to achieve your dreams and to do something that you love for the rest of your life. I want my future children to see that it is possible to marry and love your best friend every single day. But like I said, in order to accomplish all of those things I needed to find myself, and I think I’m starting to.

When I started writing this post I honestly had no idea where it was going, but now I sort of see it. I want you to know that those feelings, that overwhelming sense of confusion when you look at yourself in the mirror, yah, you’re not alone in that. I want you to know that you should never feel bad for wanting time to embrace your passions and dreams, they are necessary and vital! I want you to know that you are STILL you, despite what your body looks like or what your baby does on a daily basis. I have struggled with this everyday but I am finally turning the corner and learning that I am important. I recently started taking online classes to pursue a dream I’ve had for years and years. I almost didn’t do it, honestly, it seemed impossible, but I looked at my life and decided that my baby is important and if I want to be the best version of me I can be I need to do hard things to get there. I want to tell him someday that I went back to school when he was still small and I pushed through the hard moments to achieve my goals. I want him to remember a confident mother who loved him with all she had, ever day.

This is the new me, it is still so many of the things I was before, creative, ambitious, motivated and strong, but now I am also a mother. I will probably have many more children and I will probably gain many more stretch marks, but I will still be ME at the root of it all. You can still be you too, don’t lose it and don’t make excuses for why you can’t work your way back to it. Motherhood is a mixed bag, the guilt and joy and pain you will experience may be overwhelming, but in the end if you hold on tight to “you” and love that person through all of the changes I promise you will be a better momma/wife/friend in the midst of it all. So keep trekking, keep dreaming keep loving those babies and keep pursuing YOU, because you are so worth it.

 

When you feel alone.

Isn’t it ironic that as a mother you experience some of the loneliest moments in your life, EVEN THOUGH you are literally almost never alone? I have grappled with this for months. The weird and all-consuming feeling of loneliness that becoming a new momma brings. My husband goes to work at 3 in the morning and comes home between 12-3 in the afternoon and then goes back to sleep by 7:30, on a good day, so my days are spent mostly with an 8 month old that hasn’t even learned how to say Momma yet. (Literally he says Dada, constantly, what is that even about?!) I sometimes don’t even speak until Chris gets off work in the afternoon, it’s long and exhausting and like I said earlier, lonely.

Recently I have spent a lot of time really thinking about that, because as I have met more moms I have discovered that we all have similar feelings. It almost doesn’t make sense. There are so many of us that you would think and hope we would ban together in united motherhood, sharing our fears and anxieties, taking time to build each other up when we really need it, yet here we sit in the quiet corners of the internet feeling judged, alone and afraid. Recently for me it was the overwhelming thought that this little person is not just a part of my life, but he IS my whole life. My body nourishes him, my arms hold him, my sleep is minimal because of him, truly so many aspects of what I once was are now wrapped up in every breath this little boy takes. Yet, lately, I have felt that I need to contribute more. Like I need to have a skill, a SOMETHING, that will help our family thrive. I completely discount the fact that as a stay-at-home mom, my job is 24 hours 7 days a week. Whenever Sailor is hungry I either take the time to nurse him, or prepare him food to eat. I change his diaper, clothe him, play with him, sooth him when he’s hurting and bathe him when he’s dirty. Yes, my husband jumps in when he can, but the bulk of these things fall on me. Not to mention making sure the living room doesn’t look like an 8 month old, freshly crawling, tornado hasn’t just passed through. The dishes, the cooking, making the bed, doing the laundry, the list literally goes on and on! Being a mom is NO JOKE. We desperately need to stick together. We NEED to uplift, encourage and grow together. Share our funny moments and our sad, be real about our disappointments and our desires. You guys, we need to stop feeling bad for wanting time for ourselves! Seriously, this is huge. I battle this daily. My time is important and in order to be a sane mom and human being let yourself take 30 minutes, if that’s all you have, to watch your favorite binge or grab a coffee. You deserve it.

When you feel alone remember this, you aren’t. There is a mom just like you, most likely feeling the same things, wishing she had a community to share with. Recently I have been stepping out of my box to try and meet moms, and man have I seen a change! Just having women who I can share with, who have common experiences, it makes a world of difference! Step out, be bold, surround yourself with people who are going through similar life experiences and watch as you grow! Take a second to think right now about all the moms on your Facebook feed, have you talked to any of them? If you live close, have you asked to hangout? Have a playdate? I challenge you to take some time later today and send a message to someone who you haven’t reached out to yet, I GUARANTEE that they will be so appreciative for the adult conversation. I know it meant the world to me.

Being a mom is not a cake walk, you will struggle, emotionally, physically and in our relationships, but if you push forward, forge friendships and pursue other moms, you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have to remind myself on a daily basis: being a mom is a JOY, it gives me PURPOSE and it is a BLESSING. Life is hard, motherhood is hard but remember that you are not alone, not now, not never.

 

PS, if you really don’t have anyone to message or talk to about things you are feeling or going through PLEASE email me! My email is ashdg91@yahoo.com and I would LOVE to hear from you!

Mother’s Day.

Yesterday was my first Mother’s Day. I woke up with such expectation of gifts lavished, a clean kitchen, maybe a chance to sleep in after being up most of the night with the baby, you know the stuff mom’s dream of! I honestly had built up this expectation of perfection, that there was NO possible way my husband could live up to it all, at least not without me sharing with him my desires for the day. Instead I expected him to just know, leading to me crying in the shower. Yah, I’m embarrassed to say that I sort of lost it on Mother’s Day. As I stood in the shower and cried, I really thought about all the things I wanted and didn’t get, I lingered on all the negatives and ignored any positives, I essentially was a child throwing a fit. I felt awful, why do I let myself get to such a point of emotional distress? Why do I allow for every bad thing to overshadow all of the amazing and good things that I am blessed with?

Just the night before my husband took me out to dinner for Mother’s Day. Bless his heart, he thought it was Saturday and I couldn’t help but fall in love with him all the more. He asked our close friends if they would watch Sailor so we could go on a very rare dinner date sans baby, and I was so blessed. We then came home, put the baby to sleep and watched a movie and sipped Moscow mules with our friends, it was such a perfect night! But sadly enough, in my mom mind of built up expectations, it wasn’t enough to carry over to the next day. I woke up with a fresh desire to be spoiled, I mean I don’t necessarily feel bad about the desire, but I do feel bad about my own lack of communication.

That’s honestly what I wanted to write about today, because I KNOW there are more of us out there. The ones who live in our minds and are constantly finding ourselves disappointed as no one can live up to the mountains of expectation we build around ourselves. We dream and wish and sigh as someone yet again misses the mark. As I stood in the shower yesterday I was so suddenly struck with the awareness that I am so stinking spoiled. Every single day. I am spoiled with a family, a husband that truly truly loves me DESPITE all of my flaws (there are many). I have a baby, a healthy little boy, who brings me so much joy, when I know there are so many women out there who desire a baby so badly, or who have lost their own precious ones. The mere fact that I can celebrate Mother’s Day with a child who is living is HUGE. Man, that one hit me smack in the face. I am BLESSED. Guys, I truly am.

After all of this, and my husband had sweetly took the baby out for a walk and returned with my favorite coffee and a breakfast pastry, I sat down and opened up my heart to him. Because while I was alone in our apartment, the dishes not done and the bedroom a mess, I realized that I married this man because he was my best friend. I vowed to be his companion, to encourage and uplift him and to share in all of the moments that life may bring, that means growing with him and becoming more “married” to him everyday. I can’t keep seething in unrequited expectations, embarrassed to share my true feelings with the man I said I would share my whole life with. What a horrible way to live! I am nowhere near perfect at this yet, but I know that yesterday was a huge stepping stone. If I want something from my husband I need to tell him, I need to bring him into my wants and desires so that they can become OUR wants and desires.

The realization that my son and future children would watch me and their daddy as we interact struck me yesterday. I don’t want to be the mom that lives in regret of her actions but is an example of openness to my children. That they learn how to swallow their pride and be the bigger person on a daily basis, seeking God’s heart and his will for the situation. After that conversation with my husband the day completely turned around. Not only because he now knew what I wanted and blessed me in so many ways, but also because I felt this weight lifted off of me. The weight of holding it all in and pretending like nothing is wrong, even though it is. The weight of always feeling disappointed and hurt when I can easily change the situation. The weight of walking around full of pride when I should be practicing humility.

My first Mother’s day was special in many ways, but especially because I was able to celebrate it with my sweet son and my loving husband, the two people who mean the world to me. Don’t let little things cause you to loose sight of what is most important in your own life, or tarnish moments that are meant to be fondly remembered. You deserve to feel “weightless”; so pursue intimacy, share your heart and grow into a momma that walks in humility and love.