The suckiness of life and the joy of new tomorrows.

Life lately has been weird. Stuff happened, new things came about, transition was very very present and it wasn’t all easy. I’ve struggled and pushed forward and I’ve cried, a lot. There was a lot of questioning of myself and wondering about what tomorrow was going to look like if the night felt that awful. I tried really hard to be better for my husband and my son, but not always were my efforts seen or felt because they were not genuine, the hurt was still very present. I sat back and didn’t say a word for a season, it was so freaking hard. I am a natural verbal processor, I don’t love the emotions I feel but oh my word is it the biggest weight off my chest when I am able to speak them aloud to someone who is really wanting to hear them. I’ve pursued people who want to listen to all of my crazy nonsensical thoughts, which they all aren’t just that but that’s a part of my growth process as well, and I have been so lucky to find people who are excited and happy to walk alongside me. Truly my issues are so small, especially as I read about so many people all over the world who are hurting for a myriad of reasons that I will never understand, but they feel real and big and painful none the less.

They are things that suck, honestly. That word is so accurate it’s shocking when I sit and look at it for long enough. The stuff that goes on in our lives becomes all consuming in the snap of your fingers. It’s all you think about, it’s all you feel and no matter how hard you try to tell yourself “you are fine” or “your are bigger than this” it still freaking hurts. It literally sucks you in and tries hard to never let go of you. I was in that season, and still am partially, before I finally had a revelation of who I am and always have been. I know me, I’m a genuinely caring person. I’m fiercely loyal, sometimes to a fault, and I have a hard time knowing that I am not liked. I dealt with this many times in high school, feeling abandoned, and letting it consume me, but thank the Lord that now I have the maturity to walk through it a tad more gracefully than in years past. It was the great myth of adulthood that you no longer have to deal with heartache that way, I bought it hook line and sinker. But here is the lovely thing about adulthood, if not the loveliest thing about it, you are able and capable of changing things for yourself. When you were in high school the thought of getting in your car in the morning and driving to that place where all the people knew about your breaking heart (I went to a school of 200) was the absolute worst thing ever. It became your personal “prison” of never ending emotion and hurt, hi senior year, you couldn’t willingly leave it because you were still a child. Fast forward to now, where those things STILL happen, I know, it’s the worst, but you hold your life in your own hands. You can actually get in your car and drive away, walk away, do whatever you need to clear your head and figure life out, ya know?

Life sucks sometimes, yes, but guess what? There is always tomorrow, and the possibility of new joys and possibilities. A few years ago I got the quote “I go to seek a great perhaps” tattooed to my arm. It’s been a personal mantra of mine for a long long time and getting it permanently inked felt so right, it was meant to be my personal reminder to always seek the perhaps of the day, the great maybe that comes with the morning. For a while, when my husband and I travelled and didn’t have a baby, it was so easy to do that. To get up and decide to drive to Portland for a weekend, or to spend 6 months living in Cambodia, but now, those things start to feel impossible. You begin to feel trapped by your own life, you forget about the perhaps and start thinking about the actualities that life will inevitably bring. You don’t allow for yourself to dream, especially when you are going through something that is in a way sucking the life out of you. We allow ourselves to become our problems instead of seeking the newness in the day. It’s cheesy and endlessly full of cliche’s and wall poster quotes, but truthfully the new day is beautiful and full of possibilities.

It continues to be my biggest takeaway at the end of everything, because I do see the end, you get to choose how your day goes. You get to choose the people you fill it with and the attitude you attack it with. I have to talk to new people every single day at my job and I can be the joy in that persons day, it’s my choice. Even if it’s for a few minutes I would rather be a positive influence than a negative one, and in the long run I know that is who I am at the root of it all. I am a naturally loving and inclusive person. I will invite everyone I see to dinner on any random night because I just love spending time with people, yes I love my solitude, but if I could choose, every night would have a friend in it (my amazing husband included). I don’t want to stifle that side of myself, I don’t want to let the world and all it has to say about how I need to handle life’s situations tell me how I am supposed to do anything.  I was created a certain way, I was meant to be the way I am, yes I have flaws and things to work on but at the foundation I am who I am. I won’t apologize for that, and neither should you. Because we all go through this, life’s suckiness. We all deal with heartache in a varying amount of ways and you can hurt because it’s painful, but don’t ever allow yourself to forget that tomorrow is new and the possibilities are endless.

I usually only write to mom’s, I don’t think it’s an exclusivity thing as much as it is a relevance thing. My life is currently consumed with motherhood, having a 13 month old and being pregnant with our second, so my thoughts become geared towards situations I am going through personally (go figure). So I decided to step out of my comfort zone and share something that if I linger on for too long hurts a little, because we all go through these seasons of tough transitions and change. We shouldn’t have to sit in it alone, but we should be able to share openly and smartly, may I add, about what we are going though. Releasing those things into the air, onto our computers, on a piece of paper with a pen or a paint brush, all of these things are perfect avenues of sharing your hurts, your heart and your struggles. Even though this specific struggle of mine doesn’t specifically pertain to motherhood I know that so many of us, mothers included (maybe even especially), deal with this issue of feeling alone on a regular basis. Motherhood brings it about in an obvious way of being preoccupied and maybe too much work for some to handle, but being a single person out in the world brings so many hurts and heartaches of its own. I want anyone who reads this to know that you aren’t alone in feeling alone, this was a huge revelation for myself and it felt AMAZING to finally speak those words out loud when I was processing these past few months. It was important for me to realize and hold fast to the fact that I am a valued and important person, no matter how a situation may make you feel (and the same goes for you).

Seek the great perhaps, because there will be a season were you have to be your own joy for a second, don’t wallow in the sadness or hurt of it but pick yourself up and little by little put yourself back together. Be introspective, search your heart, find something you truly love and do it. Take time for yourself and watch as you begin to value yourself again, and you will heal. I promise. It’s not easy or painless but it’s necessary. Life truly sucks sometimes, trust me, but the joy that comes with the new day is enough to hold onto even in your darkest moments. From me to you, remember you are special and one of a kind, your emotions are real and you are allowed to feel them and don’t ever forget that the great perhaps is worth exploring.


Things that matter.


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As a mom you have a long list of things that matter. Keeping your kid alive, or your spouse sometimes. Making sure the house is in order and there is food on the table. I can add to my own personal list right now, making sure that I am on top of my school work and that my responsibilities are taken care of. I have sat and thought about this list many many times over, questioning it or worrying about it. I am constantly thinking about how I can be better for those around me, down playing the desires of my own heart or the things that bother me. Somehow I have justified making myself sound like a crazy person in my own head, thinking that if I truly shared my heart everyone around me would think I was nuts for even thinking about whatever it is I am thinking about. Tonight I was talking to my husband while he was working, sharing my heart as I was having a rough first day of school, and to be honest, a pretty stressful week in general. He point blank told me over the phone, “I know that you think you’re crazy, and I want you to know that you aren’t.” Woah. What? Someone heard my self-proclaimed crazy thoughts and didn’t think I was nuts? And right then and there this idea popped into my mind, those things, those thoughts, they matter.

I felt compelled to share this because I know that this isn’t even a mom thing, this is a human thing. Generally a woman thing, if I’m being totally honest. We are by nature a tad more emotional, and have been told for the majority of our lives that our most passionate moments can be chalked up to hormones or our feminine spirit. We have been muzzled and told our thoughts are irrational, and I’m here to say that those thoughts matter. Yes, we do have more hormonal moments then most, blame SO MANY THINGS for that, but our thoughts stem from legitimate concerns we have or thoughts we have been pondering, and they aren’t always what the world would deem important but even still, they are.

As a mom there are quite a few things I don’t share often with anyone that I genuinely struggle with on a daily basis, I feel it’s important to share those things here. I am told that I need to “not care” about how I look, because I am a mother who grew a human and it’s okay, well guess what? I care! It’s a struggle, daily, and I definitely know I’m not alone. It’s not only a body issue, but it’s a clothing issue as well. Like I mentioned in a previous post, Sailor and I don’t really nurse in the day time anymore, so I don’t have to worry so much about this now, but for the past 10 months it has been my daily thought, what am I going to wear? You literally go from being hugely pregnant, to fluffy and uncomfortable and breastfeeding. Your clothes already don’t fit and on top of that, you have to find something that makes nursing your hungry infant possible wherever you are. You no longer can put on that cute dress or that adorable top, not only is your sleep schedule and social life completely dominated by an 8 pound baby, but you can’t even dress yourself anymore. Guess what guys, that stuff, it totally matters. Another thing I struggled with, and still do honestly, in my postpartum journey, is connecting with other women. It is so easy to say that you don’t matter, and having friends isn’t important anymore. To verbalize that you think you need a girls night, or just a coffee date, when your husband is the hardworking provider, is freaking hard. It took me months to admit that to Chris and when I did he was immediately accommodating. He didn’t call me crazy or hormonal for even getting emotional when I told him, he said how can I help.

I share all of this because I think it’s important, especially as a mom, to understand that those things you think about all the time, they matter. You matter. This is a conversation I have all the time with my husband, he will say something that hurts me, unintentional sure, but it’s still painful. We sit down and I explain that to him, that even though you think what you said was okay, it doesn’t mean it hurt any less. I feel like that translates straight into this issue of understanding your thoughts are important, your worries aren’t crazy and your insecurities are absolutely real. Not everyone is going to understand why that thing you are thinking about right now bothers you so much, but that’s okay, as long as you are learning it’s okay to verbalize those things. It’s important to share when you are hurting, no matter what it’s about. It’s important to value your thoughts and opinions. It’s SO important to give yourself the breathing space you need to figure out how to make it better. You are absolutely allowed to crave time away, and to think about the end of breastfeeding with excitement instead of acting like a martyr. The truth is every mom thinks those things and to lie and say we don’t is a shame.

From one mom to another, I want to say that all that stuff, it matters. Deeply and truly. You deserve to feel empowered in womanhood and motherhood, so you can be a fabulous mother, spouse, partner and friend to those around you. Don’t turn into a silent housewife that never shares how she truly feels, learn how to be confident and speak up. Don’t be aggressive or angry, but be patient and tender. Your thoughts are worth hearing and if you don’t have someone to vent with or bounce ideas off of, please message me ( I love talking to other moms, especially ones I haven’t personally met. Keep being amazing, because even if you don’t feel like it right now, you are responsible for keeping a kid alive and THAT is saying something. Share, don’t stop feeling and remember that on top of it all, YOU matter.

When you feel alone.

Isn’t it ironic that as a mother you experience some of the loneliest moments in your life, EVEN THOUGH you are literally almost never alone? I have grappled with this for months. The weird and all-consuming feeling of loneliness that becoming a new momma brings. My husband goes to work at 3 in the morning and comes home between 12-3 in the afternoon and then goes back to sleep by 7:30, on a good day, so my days are spent mostly with an 8 month old that hasn’t even learned how to say Momma yet. (Literally he says Dada, constantly, what is that even about?!) I sometimes don’t even speak until Chris gets off work in the afternoon, it’s long and exhausting and like I said earlier, lonely.

Recently I have spent a lot of time really thinking about that, because as I have met more moms I have discovered that we all have similar feelings. It almost doesn’t make sense. There are so many of us that you would think and hope we would ban together in united motherhood, sharing our fears and anxieties, taking time to build each other up when we really need it, yet here we sit in the quiet corners of the internet feeling judged, alone and afraid. Recently for me it was the overwhelming thought that this little person is not just a part of my life, but he IS my whole life. My body nourishes him, my arms hold him, my sleep is minimal because of him, truly so many aspects of what I once was are now wrapped up in every breath this little boy takes. Yet, lately, I have felt that I need to contribute more. Like I need to have a skill, a SOMETHING, that will help our family thrive. I completely discount the fact that as a stay-at-home mom, my job is 24 hours 7 days a week. Whenever Sailor is hungry I either take the time to nurse him, or prepare him food to eat. I change his diaper, clothe him, play with him, sooth him when he’s hurting and bathe him when he’s dirty. Yes, my husband jumps in when he can, but the bulk of these things fall on me. Not to mention making sure the living room doesn’t look like an 8 month old, freshly crawling, tornado hasn’t just passed through. The dishes, the cooking, making the bed, doing the laundry, the list literally goes on and on! Being a mom is NO JOKE. We desperately need to stick together. We NEED to uplift, encourage and grow together. Share our funny moments and our sad, be real about our disappointments and our desires. You guys, we need to stop feeling bad for wanting time for ourselves! Seriously, this is huge. I battle this daily. My time is important and in order to be a sane mom and human being let yourself take 30 minutes, if that’s all you have, to watch your favorite binge or grab a coffee. You deserve it.

When you feel alone remember this, you aren’t. There is a mom just like you, most likely feeling the same things, wishing she had a community to share with. Recently I have been stepping out of my box to try and meet moms, and man have I seen a change! Just having women who I can share with, who have common experiences, it makes a world of difference! Step out, be bold, surround yourself with people who are going through similar life experiences and watch as you grow! Take a second to think right now about all the moms on your Facebook feed, have you talked to any of them? If you live close, have you asked to hangout? Have a playdate? I challenge you to take some time later today and send a message to someone who you haven’t reached out to yet, I GUARANTEE that they will be so appreciative for the adult conversation. I know it meant the world to me.

Being a mom is not a cake walk, you will struggle, emotionally, physically and in our relationships, but if you push forward, forge friendships and pursue other moms, you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have to remind myself on a daily basis: being a mom is a JOY, it gives me PURPOSE and it is a BLESSING. Life is hard, motherhood is hard but remember that you are not alone, not now, not never.


PS, if you really don’t have anyone to message or talk to about things you are feeling or going through PLEASE email me! My email is and I would LOVE to hear from you!

Mother’s Day.

Yesterday was my first Mother’s Day. I woke up with such expectation of gifts lavished, a clean kitchen, maybe a chance to sleep in after being up most of the night with the baby, you know the stuff mom’s dream of! I honestly had built up this expectation of perfection, that there was NO possible way my husband could live up to it all, at least not without me sharing with him my desires for the day. Instead I expected him to just know, leading to me crying in the shower. Yah, I’m embarrassed to say that I sort of lost it on Mother’s Day. As I stood in the shower and cried, I really thought about all the things I wanted and didn’t get, I lingered on all the negatives and ignored any positives, I essentially was a child throwing a fit. I felt awful, why do I let myself get to such a point of emotional distress? Why do I allow for every bad thing to overshadow all of the amazing and good things that I am blessed with?

Just the night before my husband took me out to dinner for Mother’s Day. Bless his heart, he thought it was Saturday and I couldn’t help but fall in love with him all the more. He asked our close friends if they would watch Sailor so we could go on a very rare dinner date sans baby, and I was so blessed. We then came home, put the baby to sleep and watched a movie and sipped Moscow mules with our friends, it was such a perfect night! But sadly enough, in my mom mind of built up expectations, it wasn’t enough to carry over to the next day. I woke up with a fresh desire to be spoiled, I mean I don’t necessarily feel bad about the desire, but I do feel bad about my own lack of communication.

That’s honestly what I wanted to write about today, because I KNOW there are more of us out there. The ones who live in our minds and are constantly finding ourselves disappointed as no one can live up to the mountains of expectation we build around ourselves. We dream and wish and sigh as someone yet again misses the mark. As I stood in the shower yesterday I was so suddenly struck with the awareness that I am so stinking spoiled. Every single day. I am spoiled with a family, a husband that truly truly loves me DESPITE all of my flaws (there are many). I have a baby, a healthy little boy, who brings me so much joy, when I know there are so many women out there who desire a baby so badly, or who have lost their own precious ones. The mere fact that I can celebrate Mother’s Day with a child who is living is HUGE. Man, that one hit me smack in the face. I am BLESSED. Guys, I truly am.

After all of this, and my husband had sweetly took the baby out for a walk and returned with my favorite coffee and a breakfast pastry, I sat down and opened up my heart to him. Because while I was alone in our apartment, the dishes not done and the bedroom a mess, I realized that I married this man because he was my best friend. I vowed to be his companion, to encourage and uplift him and to share in all of the moments that life may bring, that means growing with him and becoming more “married” to him everyday. I can’t keep seething in unrequited expectations, embarrassed to share my true feelings with the man I said I would share my whole life with. What a horrible way to live! I am nowhere near perfect at this yet, but I know that yesterday was a huge stepping stone. If I want something from my husband I need to tell him, I need to bring him into my wants and desires so that they can become OUR wants and desires.

The realization that my son and future children would watch me and their daddy as we interact struck me yesterday. I don’t want to be the mom that lives in regret of her actions but is an example of openness to my children. That they learn how to swallow their pride and be the bigger person on a daily basis, seeking God’s heart and his will for the situation. After that conversation with my husband the day completely turned around. Not only because he now knew what I wanted and blessed me in so many ways, but also because I felt this weight lifted off of me. The weight of holding it all in and pretending like nothing is wrong, even though it is. The weight of always feeling disappointed and hurt when I can easily change the situation. The weight of walking around full of pride when I should be practicing humility.

My first Mother’s day was special in many ways, but especially because I was able to celebrate it with my sweet son and my loving husband, the two people who mean the world to me. Don’t let little things cause you to loose sight of what is most important in your own life, or tarnish moments that are meant to be fondly remembered. You deserve to feel “weightless”; so pursue intimacy, share your heart and grow into a momma that walks in humility and love.