Life lately has been weird. Stuff happened, new things came about, transition was very very present and it wasn’t all easy. I’ve struggled and pushed forward and I’ve cried, a lot. There was a lot of questioning of myself and wondering about what tomorrow was going to look like if the night felt that awful. I tried really hard to be better for my husband and my son, but not always were my efforts seen or felt because they were not genuine, the hurt was still very present. I sat back and didn’t say a word for a season, it was so freaking hard. I am a natural verbal processor, I don’t love the emotions I feel but oh my word is it the biggest weight off my chest when I am able to speak them aloud to someone who is really wanting to hear them. I’ve pursued people who want to listen to all of my crazy nonsensical thoughts, which they all aren’t just that but that’s a part of my growth process as well, and I have been so lucky to find people who are excited and happy to walk alongside me. Truly my issues are so small, especially as I read about so many people all over the world who are hurting for a myriad of reasons that I will never understand, but they feel real and big and painful none the less.
They are things that suck, honestly. That word is so accurate it’s shocking when I sit and look at it for long enough. The stuff that goes on in our lives becomes all consuming in the snap of your fingers. It’s all you think about, it’s all you feel and no matter how hard you try to tell yourself “you are fine” or “your are bigger than this” it still freaking hurts. It literally sucks you in and tries hard to never let go of you. I was in that season, and still am partially, before I finally had a revelation of who I am and always have been. I know me, I’m a genuinely caring person. I’m fiercely loyal, sometimes to a fault, and I have a hard time knowing that I am not liked. I dealt with this many times in high school, feeling abandoned, and letting it consume me, but thank the Lord that now I have the maturity to walk through it a tad more gracefully than in years past. It was the great myth of adulthood that you no longer have to deal with heartache that way, I bought it hook line and sinker. But here is the lovely thing about adulthood, if not the loveliest thing about it, you are able and capable of changing things for yourself. When you were in high school the thought of getting in your car in the morning and driving to that place where all the people knew about your breaking heart (I went to a school of 200) was the absolute worst thing ever. It became your personal “prison” of never ending emotion and hurt, hi senior year, you couldn’t willingly leave it because you were still a child. Fast forward to now, where those things STILL happen, I know, it’s the worst, but you hold your life in your own hands. You can actually get in your car and drive away, walk away, do whatever you need to clear your head and figure life out, ya know?
Life sucks sometimes, yes, but guess what? There is always tomorrow, and the possibility of new joys and possibilities. A few years ago I got the quote “I go to seek a great perhaps” tattooed to my arm. It’s been a personal mantra of mine for a long long time and getting it permanently inked felt so right, it was meant to be my personal reminder to always seek the perhaps of the day, the great maybe that comes with the morning. For a while, when my husband and I travelled and didn’t have a baby, it was so easy to do that. To get up and decide to drive to Portland for a weekend, or to spend 6 months living in Cambodia, but now, those things start to feel impossible. You begin to feel trapped by your own life, you forget about the perhaps and start thinking about the actualities that life will inevitably bring. You don’t allow for yourself to dream, especially when you are going through something that is in a way sucking the life out of you. We allow ourselves to become our problems instead of seeking the newness in the day. It’s cheesy and endlessly full of cliche’s and wall poster quotes, but truthfully the new day is beautiful and full of possibilities.
It continues to be my biggest takeaway at the end of everything, because I do see the end, you get to choose how your day goes. You get to choose the people you fill it with and the attitude you attack it with. I have to talk to new people every single day at my job and I can be the joy in that persons day, it’s my choice. Even if it’s for a few minutes I would rather be a positive influence than a negative one, and in the long run I know that is who I am at the root of it all. I am a naturally loving and inclusive person. I will invite everyone I see to dinner on any random night because I just love spending time with people, yes I love my solitude, but if I could choose, every night would have a friend in it (my amazing husband included). I don’t want to stifle that side of myself, I don’t want to let the world and all it has to say about how I need to handle life’s situations tell me how I am supposed to do anything. I was created a certain way, I was meant to be the way I am, yes I have flaws and things to work on but at the foundation I am who I am. I won’t apologize for that, and neither should you. Because we all go through this, life’s suckiness. We all deal with heartache in a varying amount of ways and you can hurt because it’s painful, but don’t ever allow yourself to forget that tomorrow is new and the possibilities are endless.
I usually only write to mom’s, I don’t think it’s an exclusivity thing as much as it is a relevance thing. My life is currently consumed with motherhood, having a 13 month old and being pregnant with our second, so my thoughts become geared towards situations I am going through personally (go figure). So I decided to step out of my comfort zone and share something that if I linger on for too long hurts a little, because we all go through these seasons of tough transitions and change. We shouldn’t have to sit in it alone, but we should be able to share openly and smartly, may I add, about what we are going though. Releasing those things into the air, onto our computers, on a piece of paper with a pen or a paint brush, all of these things are perfect avenues of sharing your hurts, your heart and your struggles. Even though this specific struggle of mine doesn’t specifically pertain to motherhood I know that so many of us, mothers included (maybe even especially), deal with this issue of feeling alone on a regular basis. Motherhood brings it about in an obvious way of being preoccupied and maybe too much work for some to handle, but being a single person out in the world brings so many hurts and heartaches of its own. I want anyone who reads this to know that you aren’t alone in feeling alone, this was a huge revelation for myself and it felt AMAZING to finally speak those words out loud when I was processing these past few months. It was important for me to realize and hold fast to the fact that I am a valued and important person, no matter how a situation may make you feel (and the same goes for you).
Seek the great perhaps, because there will be a season were you have to be your own joy for a second, don’t wallow in the sadness or hurt of it but pick yourself up and little by little put yourself back together. Be introspective, search your heart, find something you truly love and do it. Take time for yourself and watch as you begin to value yourself again, and you will heal. I promise. It’s not easy or painless but it’s necessary. Life truly sucks sometimes, trust me, but the joy that comes with the new day is enough to hold onto even in your darkest moments. From me to you, remember you are special and one of a kind, your emotions are real and you are allowed to feel them and don’t ever forget that the great perhaps is worth exploring.